Hi there.
This is me, at 3.03am,
experiencing heartache that’s giving me sleepless nights.
Heartache is something, huh.
It can be both destructive and creative,
as I have been experiencing a wide range of emotions
and creating bigger, more powerful pieces of artwork.
Here’s one to start with.
20th day mood of the day
This is a self-portrait I made on the 20th day post-surgery.
I was feeling restless and frustrated, as you would in my situation, I’m sure.
We met a while ago, we kept meeting over the years, through mutual friends and music and art.
The last few times we met, we were very close. Like two peas in a pod, if you will.
This made me believe, stupidly, that he was going to be the one for me.
It was not to be so.
I became addicted to his responses and revolving my life and my emotions around his level of engagement.
It was disappointing, I got hurt.
So hurt that I have been injuring parts of me. Parts of me which are already recovering from an important knee surgery.
So hurt that I found myself feeling incredibly miserable, that I created great art.
Outside Influencing the Inside
So, now is right now, I’ve put him aside (I think), at least I’ve told him I needed a break.
It’s time to put myself first again, that’s what I said.
I feel like the boxer in my drawing, his nose flattened, crying out to whoever can hear about his pain and suffering.
Is it narcissistic behaviour, or just a natural response of someone who’s been through quite a bit of trauma recently?
Maybe both.
I feel toxic sometimes. Or maybe he is. The situation has become toxic, however you choose to look at it.
Heartache is part of life. “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” quote by Tennyson.
There were good stuff over the past few months. A turmoil of emotion, exciting body sensations. Just like a hurricane.
I feel lucky to have been able to experience him the way I did, and I’m glad he got to experience me the way he did.
Now it’s time for more distance than there already is. I have to recover, take care of myself, come out stronger.
Don’t dwell on your anger and the feelings of loneliness. They cloud your judgment, it’s time to get clearer.
I will end this post by being grateful for the outbursts of creative thought and action. This turmoil made me think on deeper levels, I have been writing music and composing songs, I have been evolving in my artwork and I will carry on doing so.
Feeling grateful and blessed, I guess.
Lula Sailor OUT
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